we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
