Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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