You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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