if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
