saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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