I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
