Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
