My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
