meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
be right there i have to get my cape
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
not ubering you a puppy
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
