i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
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Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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