Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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