You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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