I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
