I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
