Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
