I need to stop coming to work sober
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
