Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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