he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
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