You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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