I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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