is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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