she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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