I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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