I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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