I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
