Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
