You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
