Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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