i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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