Whod you bang
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
