I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
