I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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