I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
