I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
