I wish I could punch you in the face.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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