so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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