So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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