I want to have your abortion
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
