I am spending my child support on dildos
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Randomize
