I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
