My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
