How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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