I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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