imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
