last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
