they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
