Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
