he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Pooping to opera.
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