At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
