Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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