I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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