last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
