please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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