I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
