I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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