i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
