You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
