Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
