"it" just moved
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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