please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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